A question from M.
frank -
i've been enjoying your series of articles in the times about your lifelong struggle with your size, and have just picked up your book and am enjoying it very much. your recent article about parents' roles in their children's attitudes toward food and their sizes was interesting, but i missed your personal experience/opinion versus just the bare reporting. i have a 6 year old who has always been above the 95th percentile in weight. she is not obese, but her pediatrician has been expressing concern since she was 3. my husband and i are both healthy and active, and we have not said anything to our daughter about her size except to tell her that she is beautiful and that anyone who tells her differently doesn't understand that people come in all different shapes and sizes. nevertheless we are concerned as she is starting to get teased at school and because her pediatrician has always suggested that we need to get her to exercise more and eat less. of course we have healthy food and pay attention to portions but also have some occasional treats so she doesn't feel deprived or too different than other kids. her little brother who is 4 doesn't have any weight issues.
in your article about parents' roles you talk mostly about teenagers, but in truth eating habits often develop long before those years. i am wondering if there is anything that your parents could/should have done that would have supported you more or helped you find your own way? it seems that you, like our daughter, had a broken 'satiety needle" - how do you instruct a child to find it? when did you first self-identify as "fat" or overweight? given that kids who have parents interfering in their eating habits are more likely to be overweight (as your article reports), do you think you would have had an easier time if you had gotten more support at home, or if your parents hadn't said anything about your size? we are struggling with how best to support our daughter. she's still young and may grow into a beanpole i suppose so my inclination is not to call any attention to her size, but to make sure she feels loved and validated and not too hungry....
many thanks for sharing your very personal story. it seems that you have touched and helped many people in doing so.
kind regards,
M.
Answer:
I think my parents were in a difficult position, because I lusted for food, would not be denied it and yet hated being called "fat." There was never going to be an easy solution, especially because I think it's very difficult to get an 8-year-old to understand fully the concepts of sacrifice, long-term benefits, deferment of gratification, etc. I mean, an 8-year-old can understand these things, but not with the discipline of a 35-year-old.
I think my parents probably could have been less quick with seconds and could have developed in me and my siblings an expectation of portions that were more restrained, less lavish. They could have tamped down the sense that eating to abandon was integral to a celebratory moment in life. And in that sense they could have led by example. But I'm not saying they screwed up, and I should hasten to add: my parents, like many parents, led stressful lives. They were busy, pressured people who worked hard and long at everything they did. So if they didn't turn mealtimes into tightly monitored tutorials on balanced eating, well, I think that's utterly understandable---and it's far more crucial that they taught my siblings and me excellent work ethics, the importance of respecting others, the value of a good education, etc., etc.
Hope that helps, and forgive me if I didn't get to all of your questions. I think many are answered, in an incidental fashion, in the book itself, and I got behind on answering questions on this site in general, so I have to speed to the next ones. Thanks for writing!
